1.) Females.
The Perils of Being a Female
1.) No one notices you unless you’re good looking or have big boobs.
2.) It doesn’t matter how nice you boyfriend is or how good looking you are, he’s still going to check out other women.
3.) A man will intentionally omit the bad things, for fear of jeopardizing his chances with you or relationship termination.
4.) Looking pretty equals countless hours agonizing over what to wear, tweezing, waxing, spending too much time and money on make up, clothes, hair cuts, and nails that the opposite sex might notice if you’re lucky. It means tanning and face masks and ten varieties of face scrubs that all do the same thing. It means putting bat guana, fake lashes, and goop on your eyes and putting jewelry into holes we weren’t born with. It means wearing shoes that terrorize our feet, keeping food journals, and wearing a bra every minute of everyday to prevent the inevitable sag.
5.) It’s harder than hell to make legitimately good female friends.
6.) Whenever you have a male friend you have to wonder whether or not they’re sticking around so they can be your one, drunken and vulnerable mistake.
7.) Swimsuit calendars, porn, slutty billboards, female nudity in movies, and strips clubs everywhere make a go for our self esteem everyday.
8.) People automatically assume it’s PMS when you’re upset.
9.) Beautiful slim women end up with older overweight hairy guys on TV shows.
10.) We live in a world where gorgeous women fall over themselves to pose naked for Hugh Hefner–a guy so old he probably treasures his one monthly boner.
11.) There are more beautiful women than there are rich, generous men.
12.) You can’t be out past midnight by yourself without someone worrying about you.
13.) Bad driver stereotypes, blonde jokes, and woman jokes that you will encounter at least one, two, or ten times this month.
14.) A female will gain twice the weight of a male if she eats only half of what he eats, yet womens’ physical appearance is more critically focused on.
15.) Periods. Child labor. Mad cravings. Cramping. And bloating. Enough said.
16.) Women only make .77 to every $1.00 men make.
17.) Women, on average, do more of the household cleaning and child rearing than men do, and some work the same amount of hours outside the home.
18.) After a woman gives birth, it is a common phenomenon that her mate will no longer see her in a sexual way; instead he will view her as “the mother of my children”, and only that.
19.) As men get older, their resources and personality have the ability to improve, but as women get older their looks only fade. I.e. Sigourney Weaver or George Clooney (Who’s more in demand?)
20.) A man with children can still date and find someone willing to handle the baggage. A woman with children not only lacks the time, but will find it more difficult to find a date.
21.) Most females’ bodies will drastically change after birth (metabolic rate, saggy breast, stretch marks, etc.)
22.) The parental figures are much harder on girls than they they are boys, and a female’s virginity, or lack thereof, is a big deal.
23.) Women are more likely to get date raped and one night standed than their male counterparts.
24.) It’s harder for us to lift heavy objects and reach higher objects than it is for most men. Also, Vlasic lids are not our allies.
25.) Women typically live out the remainder of their lives completely alone due to life expectancy rates.
26.) Some people actually still believe they have the right to beat a woman on a monthly basis. Also, women are more likely to face abuse in relationships than men are.
27.) Women are more likely to get saddled with arts and crafts projects, heading a bake sale, or organizing a car wash than their male counterparts.
28.) The everyday annoyances of hair getting stuck in lip gloss, shoes rubbing blisters into feet, and inherent panic that it will rain while we are wearing a white shirt and have our make up and hair fixed is ever present.
29.) If a guy goes to the bar by himself he’s a mysterious loner. If a woman goes to a bar alone, she’s a nut job.
30.) Baby mama drama is way more prevalent than baby daddy drama. If you date a man with children, she will make your life miserable.
31.) One acronym: UTI.
32.) If you’re a female and a boss, it’s way easy to get labeled a bitch when you show authority in the workplace.
33.) Married men report higher levels of life satisfaction and happiness than single men while the reverse is true for women.
34.) You can’t go anywhere without a cell phone, car keys, make up, and a tampon.
35.) Women spend five times more than they should on underwear that will eventually wind up ruined thanks to an unexpected visit from Aunt Flow.
36.) If you tell your friend that dress makes her look fat, you’re a bitch. If you tell her that dress makes her look good, but someone else tells her she looks fat in it, you’re a bitch.
37.) Good fitting jeans are damn near impossible to find if you don’t have the perfect figure.
38.) A woman always has to worry that the food she’s putting into her mouth in front of mixed company might look phallic.
39.) Walking in on your man jerking off to another woman/women is pretty much the worst feeling in the world.
40.) Women remember every wrong their partner has done them… even if they wish they couldn’t.
41.) People are less likely to expect a female to stand up for themselves so it’s easier to get bullied or turned down from things like promotions.
42.) A woman does everything possible to hold her farts in on a date and keep her make up perfectly applied.
43.) It’s more difficult for females to orgasm in the sac.
44.) It seriously sucks when the new guy tries to get you to do porn star things. Is it really necessary for me to wear a school girl uniform and high heels while you pseudo choke me and call me a “dirty little ****”?
45.) We get brain washed with romantic comedies and teeny bopper novels from a really young age.
46.) Men are expected to make big purchases, but women find themselves lying about the $80 purse they just bought.
47.) Men are more likely to explicitly talk about their women and display evidence of their triumphs to their buddies.
48.) Women have to deal with penis pictures being sent to their phone. (For the love of god, man… If you’re tempted, just stop. No one wants to see that on their phone while they’re eating lunch.
49.) Women are more uncomfortable expressing to men their sexual preferences, and men are more likely to assume from misinformation what a female wants in bed.
50.) Every time your man’s guy friends are over you have to endure an unnecessary amount of bragging, female ogling, and farting. The fear that one of them will get married and have a private strip show in a skeazy hotel room is also always on our minds.
Karma
“Ugh! My water is out and I called the company. Low productivity and no time estimate means I could be without water for a while. This is frustrating!” said my boyfriend.
To which I replied, “ah, I feel the same way about my boyfriend and this divorce he’s supposedly going to undergo with his wife.”
My boyfriend has been separated from his wife for two years. (“Bitch! Whore! Home wrecker!”) Alright, now that we have name calling out of the way, I would just like to defend myself by saying that I did not wreck the home. The home was fully wrecked before I arrived at the scene.
I’ve been with him for seven months now, and my resentment level is finally coming to a boil. Am I one of those ridiculously naive women who has been tricked into loving a man who has no intention of leaving his wife? These are the women I have always looked down on and mocked mercilessly, thinking “poetic justice is decadent” with inner delight that could rival Dolly Parton on MDMA.
I’ve always had a hang up with situational irony so the gravity of my situation doesn’t catch me unawares at all. Maybe this is irresistible bad karma walking me to the door and then asking me to come in for a drink. I didn’t want to let karma in. My gut instinct told me not to, but I did it anyway. And karma was a bitch. She omitted a lot of things about herself, and suckered me into believing things that probably wouldn’t had flown with anyone else. When it was all said and done I was so embittered I couldn’t bring myself to speak intimately with my arch-rival nemesis so I left her a note on my heart, which she had, for the time being, taken up a vacation home.
Dear Karma,
I know we haven’t been on the best terms lately, but what you did was low and, in my vastly underrated opinion, mostly unwarranted. You sent me a guy who seemed to be the perfect guy for me, and you sent him to my door with an innocuous looking Mary Poppins’s bag. We talked for hours on the phone. I was completely enamored, and when he was forced to tell me that he was still married, it didn’t matter because I was wrapped up in excitement and compatibility bliss. When he told me about his three kids, thoughts of reconsideration were replaced with “wow, that is so benevolent.” You must have changed my glasses prescription to rose colored lenses or maybe you overdosed me on Prozac because not even overabundance of red flags over the next few months, could kick start my logical thinking.
You waited until the relationship got stronger to make your move. His psychotic ex started coming out of the wood work after he told me he loved me. And, then the truth about his kids and his finances finally came out of the bag too. Once you were secure that we were going to do our best to move beyond all these things, you poisoned the kids against me, making sure they thought daddy was picking his new girlfriend over them. And, just when I was about to crack and say “fuck it all”, you allowed me two weeks of bonding experience at his parents’ houses, and one very romantic wedding. I know what you’re doing with the push me-pull me bullshit, Karma. I know, yet I fall for it every single time anyway so maybe you do deserve to win this one.
You went to far yesterday though. Was it not enough that he was delaying his divorce and keeping me a secret? Did you have to relish the fact that he was paying her van payment, extra child support payments, debt, and phone bill? Is that why, when things finally took a turn for the better and he stopped paying her phone bill and extra child support, you sent the She-Beast to blackmail him; to find a financial tie to commit him to her for the next two years? Did you also persuade him to keep this from me? Did you tempt him by whispering in his ear, “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her?”
Why are you doing this to me?
I can handle 5K of credit card debt, and, maybe even a few kids, but to force me to deal with watching him freely give her money while I pay for some of our dates; to watch him stay married to her at the expense of being an “us”; to watch him ignore me so that he can fight with her… Karma, there are not words to describe your cruelty concerning matters of the heart. I don’t want three children that aren’t mine who have with physical/mental problems. I don’t want a significant other that constantly talks to and supports his ex, (or, in his words “the mother of [his] children”). I don’t want to take on 150K of debt. I don’t want to do a military long distance relationship. I’ve learned that your mastermind antics are not to be taken lightly. Like an illusion sanctioned by dessert heat, you had me seriously considering leaving a family that loves me and putting off my dreams of becoming a counseling psychologist to move to a city without any emotional support, with kids who hate me, and with debt I would drown in for many decades to come.
We had just gotten back on good terms. How could you?
-A Broken Heart and Jaded Soul
11 Depressing Relationship Truths
1.) It’s never, ever a good time to break up.
- You’re going through a hard time and need the emotional support.
- They’re going through a hard time and you would feel guilty leaving.
- You have plans the weekend after next and the tickets are non refundable.
- It’s an anniversary, birthday, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, or Thanksgiving weekend.
- You’re having a pregnancy scare.
2.) Men set the bar unreasonably high to get the girl, but will eventually take her for granted once he feels secure in the relationship. If you want to keep a man interested and bench pressing his max boyfriend abilities over and over, you’re going to have to play a little hard to get. Don’t believe me? Start answering all his calls, communicating with him daily, and being at his beck and call. See if he still goes out of his way to provide the niceties he did one month into the relationship when everything was brand new…
3.) If one party in the relationship has baggage, it’s not going to get any better anytime soon. If you’re at all reticent to take on kids that aren’t yours or are leery about financial debt, it’s best to just cut your losses and move on. Let people with outstanding baggage be with other people with outstanding baggage. It’s only fair.
4.) Ladies–men will always want to look at other chicks naked, even if they suppress the urge for your sake. Men–women will, sooner or later, start nagging you about something that needs fixing.
5.) Things never go back to being like they were in the blissful days preceding “real week”. “Real Week”: a pivotal moment in a relationship in which both parties get “comfortable” and show their “true colors”. Things that were once endearing become downright annoying, and the odds of fights, arguments, and disagreements increase by 92.37%. I.e. “Once real week happened, I stopped shaving my legs everyday and he started taking calls during dinner. I figured we were even.”
6.) When people no longer feel like they have anything to lose, they start acting like it. It’s easy to pick fights and have affairs when one party is no longer devoting themselves to the relationship. Likewise, people will say or do almost anything when they want to keep a relationship that is on its last leg. Even the most honest people will resort to lying when they think that relationship termination is imminent.
7.) Many women will suppress their true desires or attitudes towards certain things when they are insecure in a relationship. You will never, ever hear a woman say, “I really want to get married and have kids in the next few years” or “you’re not allowed to go to guys’ night” a few weeks into the relationship.
8.) You might think you will never love again; that you are damaged beyond repair; that you will never get over your last significant other, but unless you are eighty and on your death bed, you will. I promise. Although the idea of soul mates is beautiful, it is not realistic. People break up, people abandon, people die, but everyone moves on, and you are no exception to the rule. You might think you will never love someone like you did your last ex, but you will, with time.
9.) Love is not a fucking Beatles song. Love is not all you need. You need decent finances, similar goals, and common interests. Adults never tell you when you’re a kid that Disney movies and teeny bopper romance novels will always bite you in the ass in the end. Always.
10.) Friend with benefits relationships should be renamed to “Until Something Better Comes Along” relationships. If a man likes a girl, he will not only pursue her; he will “put a ring”, or, at least, label on “it”. Anything less spells out he’s-just-not-that-into-you so take a hint next time you’re six months into a relationship and have assumed the role of being someone’s Monday nights. If you don’t know his dreams, his fears, or his insecurities, you’ve been played.
11.) Phrases and conversations that doom a relationship:
- “Well, so-in-so’s boyfriend/girlfriend/transexual lesbian lover let’s him/her do that.”
- Talking up an attractive opposite sex friend. (“She’s so hot” or “he’s mad successful” are not good things to say to your mate.)
- Any mention that a particular ex was good in the sac.
- Telling them your parents dislike them.
- Threesomes. (If your partner hasn’t hinted that they are interested, don’t ask. Ever.)
- An upfront, all-cards-on-the-table chat about what you are and aren’t willing to do for your partner. (They’ll either have enough self respect to leave you or you’ll get a chipper “told you so” thrown in your face when you cave one day.)
- Saying that the relationship is so strong it “doesn’t need a label.” If someone wants a label and you care for them, give them the goddamn label.
- Doing one thing and saying another. Words do not compensate for actions. Hypocrisy is discrediting to whomever doles it out.
- “I don’t see what the big deal is.” (Yeah, you probably don’t? Why? Because to YOU it’s not a problem. Don’t invalidate someone else’s feelings because you assume that they think and feel the same way you do.)
- “I’m fine.” (For the love of all that is holy, say something or forever hold your freaking peace. It’s not going to get any better if you let it simmer on low heat for 48 hours. Ladies, if he doesn’t know what he did by now, he’s just not going to get it. End the agonizing passive aggressive behavior and just tell him so you can both get on with your lives.)
- “It’s not you; it’s me”. (The hell it isn’t me! No one breaks up with someone when they think the sun shines out their ass!) Although this is more of a relationship ender than a “doomer”, it pretty much ousts any future hope of rekindling a friendship.
- “We should get together soon.” (Yeah, let me know when that happens…)
- And, finally, the lack of talk that goes on. If you can hear crickets chirping in your relationship, there’s a lot of apathy or hardcore indifference in the air. Sometimes what one doesn’t say is worse than what one does say.
The Power of Positive Thinking
Everything was all wrong today, added emphasis on “all”.
A failed attempt at turning in homework I didn’t know was due, kick started my day as I transitioned from “bummed” to downright mortified when I realized I had, indeed, prepared the wrong chapter for class which would be alright if my professor was one of those sweet, pencil skirt wearing, cat ladies. She isn’t. She’s a blunt middle aged woman who takes great delight in calling people out and taking attendance via class preparation. While I was fully prepared to talk about chapter three, I felt duck-under-the-desk startled when she said “chapter sixteen”. This wasn’t the worst of it all though. What could be worse than feeling unprepared and missing a homework assignment, you ask? Losing the be all of end off: my beloved flashlight–keeper of all class notes and assignments, which is notably depressing as I think about the web link that is bolstered solely to that flash drive for tomorrow’s writing class assignment. What a disaster!
Made worse only by finding out that my boyfriend–sole friend and confidante–was not available to talk to today because he was talking to his ex instead. Have I mentioned it already? Well, in case it hasn’t sunk its teeth in yet, things really change several months into a relationship. All the little things that made your other special decay right in from of your eyes, including that little, late night, “going to bed, but thinking of you” text message whose presence was so ingrained at one point in time that its absence is now vehemently obvious. I guess it’s a fair trade off. I did stop shaving my pubes a few months ago so in an odd sort of way, maybe this makes us even.
Maybe I need to embrace the power of positive thinking and things will start going right in my life. You know, believe that my memory is brilliant so I can recall what chapters I’m supposed to prepare for, when homework is due, and where in the hell my godforsaken flash drive sidled off to. Maybe my boyfriend will pull an atypical guy move and not take me for granted. (Woah! I feel as if I am getting carried away here!) Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. But it couldn’t hurt, right? The same way that believing in God can’t hurt, right? Think of it as an all intensive safe guard. Warranties don’t work unless you buy into them.
The Seven Month Marker
It was a new day, and after a rather awful fight with my boyfriend last night that, for once, didn’t temporarily resolve itself, I had to wonder, “is this the seven month curse taking place again?” That’s the way it seemed to go. There was something pressing and ominous about the seven month marker that made a relationship plummet to its grisly death. A relationship is like a game. For appropriateness purposes, we’ll call it “Sink the Ship”. People in a relationship stay in a relationship until they have so many unresolvable issues (each one adding its weight to the ship) that it sinks the ship entirely, or they don’t, and they end up spending a mediocre rest of their lives together.
I think my ship is past due for the sink. It filled up so quickly, so early into the relationship that, now, even the most minor of problems seem like a monstrous ordeal because so many bigger problems are weighted to them. I always get myself into these messes which forces me to realize that I am obviously selecting my romantic partners in all the wrong ways. Am I in love with being in love? Am I so lonely that I’ll let even non-compatible people into my heart? Or, maybe all the wrong people are masquerading as the right ones, tricking me into believing that I should let them in? Maybe I just get caught up in the excitement of it all. I think I need to just… not date at this point in my life. The idea is a novel one, but I could just have friends, right?
Yeah, the single life is good. It means freedom, and fun times, and the excitement of meeting new people. Do you believe that? Neither do I. Meeting new people that want something from me, that I will probably fall away from and never see again, that will undoubtedly disappointment me to no end in the process of it all. I’ll pass on a plate of false friendships, a side of loneliness, and a drink of desperation. I wasn’t cut out for that life, and I definitely wasn’t cut out for pretending I was cut out for this life. I am not a thirty year old, former frat boy who works at a restaurant and lives with a roommate. No, I am a twenty-four year old female, and like all twenty-four year old females (except maybe the asexual ones), I think about, fantasize about, and pursue romantic relationships far more than I should.
For now, I’ll blame romantic comedies, the “Twilight” saga, and Disney fairly tale endings, and later, I’ll come up with something else.
Sensation. Perception. Action.
I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, but I was certain of one thing–I was making a mess of it.
The exact moment when life started spiraling downward was unclear, and, now that I thought if it, maybe there never was an up direction. Maybe there were only brief glimpses of happiness in an otherwise bland and disappointing world, or so it started to seem to me, mid-twenties college student floating in a see of peppy, skinny eighteen and nineteen something’s. But, at least I was there–working toward something while my underused social networking page vomited up pictures of ultrasounds and an abundant imbalance of baby shower invitations to bridal shower invitations. No, at least I wasn’t one of my ill-forsaken high school peers.
This, it-could-have-been-worse mode of reasoning should have made me feel better. It didn’t. Maybe they were happy in their squalid two bedroom, one bathroom, popcorn-ceilinged starter homes with their service industry jobs, two kids, and baby daddy. Maybe all those god awful cliches about happiness and making the most from what one has, were true.
I couldn’t buy into that. The world was various depths of suck for everyone, I decided. (…Well except for maybe the extremely asinine and and emotionally stunted.) Yes. That made more sense, but it lead me to my next question: are the most likable people the best at deception? And, at what point does their facade of happiness manifest itself as real? At what point does the “faking it” become a self fulfilling prophecy? Furthermore, when perception becomes reality, does that mean it’s possible for polar opposites to reverse themselves entirely?
Ah, behold… the “overthink”–a phenomenon that seemed to sneak attack me from some obscure angle every time I wasn’t stressing out over course work, wondering what my boyfriend was doing, or whether or not my make up was still in tact. Let’s not get carried away though. I am not the wind and you are (fortunately) not a littered and mutilated Snicker’s wrapper caught against a fence post.
I am an American young adult female, and, for me, that means spending ample amount of time and generous proportions of make up to make my face feel, well, not naked. I figure a lot of women feel like that without their artificial beautifying products–bare and unnatural. It seems like the only women who don’t care are masculine gays and elderly women whose looks had forsaken them so long ago they can no longer afford to care. It’s such a sad way of life–vanity, and yet, those who could, played the game without any semblance of deeper thinking. And, even though I utterly despised these women with a passionate loathing, could I really blame them for their life choices? Could I be angry with a sugarbaby for choosing a life of leisure and fun filled activities over a life of responsibility and hard work? Could I be angry with a stripper for wanting to bring home twice the income in half the time? I didn’t think I could. After all, being angry with these women would be like faulting them for being smart, and, in this kind of world, if you don’t work the system, you fail.
It might be a man’s world… but who’s been running the show lately?
psychespeaks 